


Stand Next To My Fire

by Lizicia



Series: We didn't start the fire but we tried to fight it [4]
Category: The Blacklist (TV)
Genre: AU, Cheating, F/M, Ressler's POV, angst abounds, nobody knows or understands anything
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-01-07
Updated: 2014-01-07
Packaged: 2018-01-07 21:03:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1124354
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lizicia/pseuds/Lizicia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Truthfully, he doesn't know what they're doing. He doesn't know because he doesn't let himself think about it and most of all, definitely doesn't ask Keen about it. He's always been a principled man, an honorable man, someone with dignity and ideals but if he was to analyze himself and them, he would have to revalue those ideas. And that is something he doesn't know he would be willing to accept.<br/></p>
            </blockquote>





	Stand Next To My Fire

**Author's Note:**

> This is Ressler's POV for the cheating angle story.  
> Posted at FF.net under a different title.

Truthfully, he doesn't know what they're doing. He doesn't know because he doesn't let himself think about it and most of all, definitely doesn't ask Keen about it. He's always been a principled man, an honorable man, someone with dignity and ideals but if he was to analyze himself and them, he would have to revalue those ideas. And that is something he doesn't know he would be willing to accept.

Ressler never wanted this, never expected an illicit affair – because that's exactly what it is, an _affair_ – and yet he finds himself powerless to stop, to put an end to this madness. He doesn't know what she thinks because he never asks; she's the one with the husband he tries hard not to think about, tries not to acknowledge the vows they're both breaking. But every time he touches her, he knows that his hands are not the only ones that know her body in such an intimate way and that tinge of uncomfortableness that comes with that knowledge never quite leaves him.

_She's soft between the wall and himself and he enjoys that contrast, enjoys it in a way he never should've even known and that thought alone makes him press harder, makes his hands grip tighter and his focus narrows. But he likes the softness she presents, can smell the fragrance she's preferred ever since their one undercover operation and that memory makes him kiss her neck, to try and inhale that scent and let it surround him. She shudders against his lips and he smiles; there's a heady power in the knowledge of what he can do to her._

Almost every time they have the opportunity to be anywhere but at their respective homes, he knows what will come next. He knows they're both thinking of the same thing though they never plan for anything; plans make this real, make this a premeditated act rather than a _force majeure_. From the very beginning, from that first moment that she kissed him, he's been accepting this situation they're in because it seems unavoidable. So when she finds him, late at night, he never shuts the door in her face like he should have done the first time but opens the door wider and invites the trouble in.

_The suits she wears are almost masculine and he takes great pleasure in watching the jacket fall off her shoulders and reveal the femininity underneath. There's a hint of vulnerability in her eyes as she unbuttons her shirt and then his and he never stops her, never helps her along because a part of him understands her need for this. But he knows that she thrives on not being in control all the time so as soon as the vulnerability disappears from her eyes, his hands are everywhere, inching across soft and already familiar skin and when he pops open the button of her pants, she almost gives him everything right then._

The first time she came to him, he was confused but they were both a bit emotional, the toll of him almost being injured wearing on them, or at least that's how he justified this to himself in the morning when he couldn't quite look at her. He was willing to write this off as a one time thing and yet, she kept coming back and he kept letting her.

In return for that lapse in judgment, he's made himself promise not to give anything away about this to her or anyone else and so he exerts every ounce of control he has to not look at her more, to not touch her in public, to never even seem friendly towards her, rather be even more impartial and uncaring. He's strict in their professional life because he doesn't know how to be strict when they're alone and he needs to keep some aspect of his life under control.

But while he manages to evade everyone else, including Keen, he always knew on some level that Red who sees and knows all would also see this. So when Red corners him at his – _their_ – office one night, he isn't quite surprised.

"So, Donald. I thought we might have a bit of a chat."

"About what?"

"About what it is you think you're doing with Lizzie."

He gives Red the passive expression he's perfected over the years. "I don't know what you're talking about."

He sees the glint of danger in Red's eyes, the almost predatory look he gets as he steps closer. "You better be careful."

"Or what?" He throws down the challenge, not able to stand down like he should, undeterred by the fact that the man he's facing is a very dangerous man.

"Oh, Donald. You really don't want to know. But nobody hurts her."

He opens his mouth as if to argue, to say that Keen isn't the one who will be hurt in the end - it's everyone around them - but realizes he doesn't really want to because he knows all of that himself, doesn't he?

So he quits. He doesn't accept her silent invitations and if she's puzzled by it, she doesn't say anything because they've never talked about it and this doesn't seem like the time to start. If she was to ask, he would have to answer and they would have to acknowledge things and that just wouldn't do.

But then, inevitably, she gets into trouble. And, almost as inevitably, he feels a tinge of something he's forgotten over time and the next time she comes to him, he obliges and lets her in. And doesn't give Red's threats a second thought.

_When they've finally lost their clothing, she drags her leg up his calf, giving him an indulgent and challenging smile; she sometimes likes to do this, likes to push his buttons. He steals her smile with a rough kiss and she arches against him, completely surrendering herself to him. There's so much that's unbelievably open about her, given everything she's been through and Ressler is always in awe of how much of that he can take, how much of that she is willing to give him._

Despite it all, they're not friends, they can never be friends. They're not lovers either; that would imply something meaningful and important which this can't be. This is a situation, a development, an arrangement but outside of it all they don't grow closer. There is no point.

He sometimes wonders why she chose him, why she wouldn't just do this with someone she doesn't have to see every day, someone who wouldn't know the first thing about her. Until that first time, he had no inkling she even remotely liked him but at the same time, if he's being honest with himself - and there's so little about this he can be honest about - there was always something. And those thoughts only lead him to realize there could only be one possible explanation for why it's him, someone she knows and not some random stranger and he isn't ready to accept that truth.

_Every time they finally get to the point where he feels her surround him, he takes a moment to gather his thoughts and this time is no different. She breathes in, harsher than before and he kisses her neck to offer her a focal point and she relaxes almost instantly. He's never been particularly smooth when it comes to this, more efficient and to the point but something in her makes him understand the importance of the quiet and he wills himself to be present, even wants to give her everything he has to make this better._

He's always been quiet and never found any point in talking or encouragements but when it comes to her, he finds himself actively holding back; her name is always on his mind, on his lips but he never lets it escape. He's never understood the point of saying someone's name but somehow he wants to. And yet he fears she would hear too much because she can and so, he stays silent, rarely allowing himself anything more than deep breaths.

_When he dresses, he can feel her eyes on him and can practically hear her thinking. She's probably wondering the same thing he is – how come this is the first time he's come to her? He's never sought her out before, to distance himself, to convince himself that she is controlling everything and he's merely a participant but now he's changed the rules. And yet, he doesn't know, doesn't want to know what this means. He leaves without a word or a backward glance._

Sometimes he wonders if this could end in any other way than catastrophically. Wonders why he keeps letting her come back, why he won't tell her they can't do this and remind her that she's married and this is all possible kinds of wrong. There's an allure about her that he's been trying to resist since the first time he met her and didn't trust her – still doesn't trust her – but he's not the kind of a man who wouldn't be able to explain everything logically. He doesn't think of himself as a weak man but maybe even the strongest men have a weakness and as cliché as this would sound, a person can be a weakness.

If that one break taught him anything, it's that he can walk away and would, if she asked him to. It wouldn't break him, he's sure of that. It would probably be for the best and yet, he won't be the one to do the right thing for once in his life because he wants to see how far they can take this before they go up in flames.


End file.
